Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

   The world all of a sudden feels like a casual stroll through a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit at the end of a busy weekend.

   I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

   Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.

   Once this corona tension is over....will take 7 days break and rest at home.

   Parents, here's a way to keep your kids busy for awhile on Easter, let them have an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.

   Wonder if I have enough things in my kitchen junk draw to build a rocket ship to get me off this rock?

   eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.

   The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.

   "I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.

   99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.