Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

   Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.

   If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis

   Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

   *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six

   Ever notice the scariest women are the one's who flood their pages with pics of Marilyn Monroe?

   Funny how when I was a kid we use to call Facebook group therapy.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life

   I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

   Here is a way to get rid of your unwanted junk. Pack it in an Amazon box, and place it on the porch.

   Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

   Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."

   I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

   I don't accept friend requests from people with no photos, a photo of someone playing a guitar, or photos that have more filters than Brita.

   Dilemma: Watching your mother inlaw driving towards a cliff in your brand new car.

   I'm so old I remember when the only person with germophobia was Howard Hughes.