Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   Warning to parents of young children. Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

   I raise my left hand in salute to you sir. RIP Hugh Hefner.

   How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day

   My ego persuades me to be a lot more confident than I should be.

   Five bucks says I'm totally broke.

   "No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.

   you move on because theres nothing else you can do

   Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   UK Secret Intelligence Service (aka MI6). They have their own website with the usual "About Us", "Our Strategy", Our Values" etc... Sorry, but am I missing something here? :-s

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   It always get awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger. Especially after you hug him and tell him you're very lonely.