Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   "You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.

   I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.

   North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   Warning to parents of young children. Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

   I raise my left hand in salute to you sir. RIP Hugh Hefner.

   How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   [restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.