Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   No one wears 'Build Back Better' swag out of pride.

   believes NASA could help erase some of the national debt by charging to take people up in the shuttle that need to discover the world doesn't revolve around them.

   it's not death I fear..........it's what they'll find on my computer when I go!!

   This just in...Blown up COLLAGEN injected lips are NOT sexy. People notice but not in a good way. We actually snicker and mock you. Thank you that is all.

   We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it's stealing..

   I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

   I think the National Weather Service is a front for the National Grocery Association

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.

   I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   Nevermind my cut finger or the blackeye, the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.