Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

   [Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

   COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running. ME: Hammocking is better than both.

   [At work] What can I do to pass the time?

   If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.

   One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.

   I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks 😕

   Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.

   She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."

   What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.

   You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.

   I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows

   Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...