Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve