Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   ACED my prostate exam!

   the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

   I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   If 2020 was a drink, I'm thinking it would be a Colonoscopy Prep.

   Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.