Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)

   There needs to be a new traffic light color. Something like blue that means "Hey, stop texting. The light's about to turn Green."

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.

   Every so often I'll start dating again, just so I can take a break from ruining my own life to focus on ruining someone else's.

   Linguists say we're at risk of losing hundreds of indigenous languages and also the word “dang”.

   You look just like Natalie Portman, only without the good looks.

   Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.

   Programmed a random destination into my GPS this morning, and just drove all around today making her recalculate my route. I suspect vulgarity soon, or she'll just stop talking to me.

   It's rained all week. I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...