Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I guess all the gyms are heading into their busy season for the next four to five weeks !

   Turn that baby's cry into a jazzy tune by putting a harmonica in it's mouth!

   A day without love, sex or booze is just another day closer to death.

   A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.

   People just dont get practical jokes any more, prank calls, super glue on the toilet, the electic toaster in the bath... Sigh

   How is it when you're in kindergarten you don't want to take a nap, but in all the schools above elementary you would kill for one?

   I notice one thing in common with almost all the detective shows...shallow grave...c'mon people ..if you werent so lazy, you wouldnt be in prison..

   The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week that zombies do NOT exist...with the exception of Donatella Versace.

   I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   Some people just need a hug. Around the neck. With a rope.

   I'm going to take 3 hours to decide what bad movie I want to watch & then pass out

   I am worried about my neighbour as he gets too many concussions and we are very close...in fact just a stones throw away!

   Omg look at my baby scans, they are so original and definitely don't look exactly the same as every other baby in the world.

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   Protip: Chew on white crayons for cheap and easy fillings

   Thanks for the sex, but I'm still not going to 'LIKE' your Facebook pic.

   Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.

   The hashtag is defintley the most important technological advancement to have been ruined by 13 year old girls.

   PLOT TWIST: You snooze.... You win! Because naps are freaking awesome.

   I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.