Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   The best things in life require no pants.

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief

   I’ve got your stimulus package right here.

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

   Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after sum1 had blown on it..Good times

   Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?