Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

   I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   Buying clothes once in awhile for a child doesn't make you a parent anymore than crapping on a windshield makes you a bird...

   Error: Facebook status removed due to awesomeness overload

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   Dear My Head, Please start doing your job and kindly remove yourself from My Ass. And while ur down there please tell my liver I'm sorry. Thank you.

   I am not saying the quality of adult entertainment has gone downhill around here but all the dancers here are wearing change belts!

   Wanna feel confident and attractive? Me too! Let's all get drunk!

   I think instead of the "Poke" button on Facebook there should be "Punch in the Face" button.

   How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?

   Do you believe in hate at first site? Well it exists.