Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   NFL Update: Favre Reports Stiffness.

   a supporter of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party"!

   went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn't find any

   Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

   Never entrust your life to a surgeon who has more than two band -aids on his fingers

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   decided to end all of his stories with "and the rest is history" from now on to make them seem more interesting. Example: "and that's why I decided to change toilet paper brands...and the rest is history"

   Anyone that asks me to go shopping on Black Friday will be slapped.

   Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, there is Sit on My Ass and Watch Football Sunday!

   would describe himself in 3 words........moody,annoying,awesome......(the first 2 are what my wife said when I asked her).

   Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

   I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my a** !!!.

   I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.

   I guess one reason why a person may take you for granted, is because you give way too much way too soon.

   Sometimes its better to forget about making people happy and just do what YOU really want to do.

   We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.

   Who needs dementors to suck out your soul when Mondays exist.

   Happy National Unfriend Day:)

   Another way for a guy to confess his virginity to a woman is to tell her he follows Justin Bieber on Twitter.