Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.

   My neighbors kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   All these people running around with masks on.... Made in China

   When the Eagles wrote the lyric "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device," they weren't kidding. Posted from my iPhone

   Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   I'm not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

   hey teens, you think you're angry now, wait until you have to buy your own toilet paper

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..

   We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It's a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

   The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

   Ran out of T.P. and discovered Pledge furniture wipes. Now my pants won't stay up.

   Honey that posted this below dont lie to these folks, you never did have a 401k, hell you never worked a day in your life.

   Gas is only a buck a gallon and we're not allowed to leave our houses...

   Have we tried unplugging 2020 waiting 30 seconds and then plugging it back in?

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?