Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.