Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   If there ever is a Zombie Apocalypse I am heading straight for Costco ..they have Walls, Food and Supplies for Years and best of all... Zombies can't get in without a Costco Membership Card.

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   Watched way too much Shark week episodes last week. I fell off a pool float yesterday in the pool and started panicking.....

   do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!

   I only make a lot of spelling and grammar errors because I have type-o blood.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google

   ...and then the doctor slapped my little bottom and handed me to her. - How I Met My Mother

   I'm not a stalker I'm just bad with goodbyes

   Just because you have headphones in your ears blocking external sound, does not mean your farts to not make noise.

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   I bet Sandusky is having issues sleeping, maybe he should call Dr Conrad Murray.

   i guess its getting time to do my christmas shopping,i will go to the dollar store for my big gifts and from there I will come back home and see if I can find somethings around the house that they havn't seen in awhile.

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur!

   Once it has been crushed completely, you will find that your spirit is much easier to snort.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   Danica Patrick is on the pole. That has a nice ring to it....

   Sort of embarrassing when the babysitter shows up, and I don't have kids, and then it's $300 an hour.