Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.