Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   God created the world in 6 days but took 9 months to create me, so clearly I’m a big deal.

   Kaepernick keeps taking a knee based on a lie...Michael Brown never had his hands up!

   Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.

   Personally, I think Disney World is taking it's Animal Kingdom experience to far.

   If you run into a wall or walk off a cliff while chasing a Pikachu, I'm going to Laughatchu.

   Yesterday was A slight fumble, but I think Melania's really gonna shine in the swimsuit portion of the competition...

   ... In the former USSR they called it Propaganda. In the United States .... They call it news.

   Really hoping Donald Trump wins the 2020 Olympic fencing competition.

   Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.

   Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

   "So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.