Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.

   Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.

   Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   I am one chin away from my goal weight.

   I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting...

   Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."