Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   Scotland's in the middle of a couple's breakup and trying to figure out who they're still supposed to be friends with.

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   Assuming one is against the police when they're against police brutality is like assuming one is anti-parent when they're against child abuse.

   Skip the next 20 pages, nothing worth stealing.

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.