Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.