Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.