Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!

   This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   Roses are red, April is grey, I hope we can leave our houses by may.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   Somewhere out there, is an English teacher waiting 4 school to reopen so that she can give students an essay topic how I spend my lockdown

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   I'm not afraid to admit it. It's time like these that I like go to my "special place", and caress my emotional support firearms.

   I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.