Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

   Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   "My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.