Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   Rep. Maxine Waters refused to attend Trump's address to the joint session of Congress Instead she stayed home to work on a bill addressing the Russian invasion of Korea.

   If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"

   I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone. Everyone knows the black one runs faster.

   Skinny girls think their chubby, chubby girls think their fat, fat girls think their obese and obese girls think their supermodels

   Shouldn't the fortune in every fortune cookie be "You are about to eat a stale cookie?"

   Dear Drama Queens who cry ab not every status being hillarious.. Isnt that the point? You scroll through all the crappy ones, kill a little time in ur day then BAM got one!!! Sorry we cant just hand you everything in life.

   Way to go Ferguson...Burning down the same grocery stores where you use your foodstamps to shop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Real justice losers!. Real justice

   A teacher in a detriot kindergarden class asked the kids what sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled FREEZE MUTHAF**KA

   My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me...

   thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.

   what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!

   experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

   Charlie Sheen snorted enough coke to kill Two and a Half Men.

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   Learned a lesson from my dog tonight.................No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.

   If I had 10 nutter butter cookies and you took 5 away, what would you have...That's right, a black eye an a broke hand!