Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss wants to send me to a Time Management training class. Is he serious? I'm way too busy for that!

   Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid

   Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?

   Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.

   The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.

   I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.

   The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.

   I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)

   Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.

   Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .

   Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.