Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas

   We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.

   I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence

   Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.

   If running on a treadmill was only way to Recharge our phones, we would be the healthiest people on the planet