Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

   My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

   As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.

   Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.