Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

   We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

   can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

   Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

   Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

   No good deed goes unposted on social media.

   Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

   My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

   It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent.

   I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?