Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   We've been conditioned to think that only politicians can solve our problems. At some point, perhaps one day we will actually wake up and recognize that that it was those politicians who actually created our problems in the first place.

   Polls are good for three things, skiing, fishing and strippers.

   Stop saying you're moving out of the country. You can't even move out of your parents house so you're not going anywhere. Shut up already.

   If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....

   You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.

   Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized

   Bought all of my Christmas gifts really early this year, Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes

   Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.