Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.

   I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used