Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".

   I just dropped a MOABM .. mother of all bowel movements

   I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   If they made a movie ,you know who would make a good Obama? Morgan Freeman. Not because they look alike but because Morgan never did a damn thing for America either.

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"