Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women over 40 have garlic breath.

   I'm at the age where I don't want to throw away a box because, well, it's a really nice box.

   Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”? Simply buy normal jeans and put on a sheetload of weight.

   I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

   I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

   When will these social media model wannabes learn that guys drool over anything. The only things required are 2 t'ts, a hole, and a heartbeat. Heartbeat optional.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Did you know that 36% of women are battered ... and all this time ...I've been eating them raw

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   God always answers prayers. The problem is 99% of the time the answer is "no."

   Q. What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? A. Bozo the Clone.

   Country music

   Hunter Biden walks away from multiple felony charges. The media; look, a submarine!

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you... So use your right to remain silent!

   There have been a lot of tasteless jokes about the lost Titan submarine. How could people sink so low?

   TITAN? More like TiN cAN. RIP Explorers

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   Titan sun

   Only rich people can figure out a way to die on the Titanic 111 years later.

   It doesn't require artificial intelligence to know that artificial sweeteners taste bad.