Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.

   Steel chair vs everybody

   Cars

   I respect your right to freedom of speech but I don't have to agree with what you say. And...guess what! That's okay!

   I think our dog is a Scientologist.

   While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Sleepy Joe accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on “The Lion King.”

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   A LION NEVER LOOSES SLEEP OVER THE OPINIONS OF THE SHEEP.

   Shouldn’t you have to pass a drug test to get a welfare check since I have too pass one to earn it for you?

   I went for a job interview yesterday and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job?? I said: The company relocated and didn't tell me where.

   In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

   Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to now read "Excellent source of hangover cure."

   Flat Earthers: "The only thing we have to fear is sphere itself."

   I sent a ninja to your house to steal your cookies!

   Once a woman is MENTALLY over you.. IT'S OVER FOR YOU💔😭

   My girl is such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers her on!

   Honestly, I think pregnancy test commercials would be a whole lot more authentic if they showed two single people high-fiving when it’s negative

   Someone said: "what night is the dnc swimsuit comp?" I concur. Would love to see AOC in a swimsuit and ball gag. 🤣

   Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

   A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.