Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!

   The problem with daylight savings time is around midnight you start to feel like you're struggling to stay awake before you realize it's only 7:00 p.m.

   Ten years ago I didn't forward that text to 10 people in 10 minutes. That's why my life sucks now.

   Saving daylight? Who am I, Superman?

   Do you know why the call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....

   This may not be my Circus, and these may not be my monkeys . but I know all the clowns .

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

   If you sit down too much ,do you understand ?

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   My angel sent from above. <3

   MARTHA ! You do have your medicare card. I don't blame you.