Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is our Mahoment!!

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   AI photos are like instant mashed potatoes. You can easily tell they're weird, tasteless and nowhere near the real thing.

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   Taylor Swift is worth $1.1 billion, yet you imbeciles let her live inside your skulls rent free.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Chewbacca's redneck cousin is Chewstobacco

   The Left wants everything in the world to be electric or run on batteries? Start with the border wall!

   The TV show 'Hoarders' is ok and all but I liked it so much better when it was called 'Sanford and Son'.

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they’re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   Every drop of water on earth has been through multiple kidneys at this point.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   Hoes be looking for guys with the same initials as there x. So they don't have to edit they tattoos . Lol