Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

   If ten percent is good enough for God; it should be good enough forObama...

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.....

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

   I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

   A good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

   A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

   If God sneezed, what would you say to him?

   If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Why is bra singular and panties plural?

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

   wish I had a time machine to go back to 1968 so I could show all the pretty ladies what '69 is going to be like.

   killed Kenny... (You ba$tard!)

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not!