Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOTADDICTEDTOTHOSEENERGYDRINKS!!!!

   kissed a girl and I liked it. She, on the other hand; filed a restraining order.

   anti-obama before it was cool

   went to Facebook and all I got was this stupid status message.

   I bought a cabin on a lake.... but there are signs all over my side of the lake saying "NO WAKE ZONE"...... now I am afraid to go to sleep.

   Don't count the seconds... Make every second count...

   gave up drinking and smoking... Worst ten minutes of my life.

   jumping out the window, who's with me?

   Chris Brown must be making a new album, because he is going over his greatest hits with the judge tomorrow?

   A woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less?

   segregation will not end until they start putting #2 pencils in the same boxes as colored pencils.

   Why is a school zone speed limit 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Why the hell didn't the Hamburglar ever steal and eat Mayor McCheese? I mean he was, after all, an ENORMOUS burger.

   The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.

   first there were 3 broken axles then I died of dysentery. Damn Oregon Trail.

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom, my money. You can keep the change!!!

   so he thinks he can make the desicion to change our healthcare over night, comin from a guy who took three months to decide on the color of his new bed room, and 6 months on a dog....

   feels like pile-driving his whiny coworker thru a thick glass table bound with barbed wire into a pool of rubbing alcohol with rusty nails and then set it on fire and drink a beer...

   thinking women should come with a carfax

   "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"