Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   100% positive that he isn't sure!

   just spit out his stride gum.

   stop the bus let my friend jack off...

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   not lazy, he's just phsycially conservative.

   santa's overated.

   thinks DJ AM should have been buried in the morning......just sayin'

   you look so beautiful.......GOD THIS THING SUCKS AT SARCASM

   wishing everyone a happy Friday eve!

   How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

   asks if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....... then why did my new wife follow me home????

   just realized that if you change the word "wand" to "wang" in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting.

   knows the last digit of PI.

   "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt?....You're wondering now!!

   tonights "Built Ford Tough" Player of the Game

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

   Tell me now before I blow twenty bucks on drinks.