Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't like gay people... blame the str8 people...they're the ones who keep having gay babies.

   Thinks it's funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." – George Washington

   just dropped skittles in the toilet and flushed....... it was like a 10 second Nascar race

   Tommorow I am going to finish every conversation with "ACCORDING TO THE PROPHECIES"

   Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.

   Hang on a sec, I'm about this close to getting the hi-score on Donkey Kong!!

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   just got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with... "according to the prophecy"

   the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it

   so manly not even his sentences have periods

   consulting the "magic 8-ball" for al decisions today!

   repairing a huge hole in my living room wall, Damn You, Kool-Aid man...

   Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   Milton's stapler!

   thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..

   feels like something funny is gonna happen...I'm sitting next to a blackman, whiteman and a chineseman. I'm just waiting on the punchline!