Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   .......and thats how I got kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse!!!

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   if you wear dog tags as a "fashion accesory", YOU'RE WRONG!

   Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.

   I clearly like all the music on my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle...then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.

   Thinks everybody makes mistakes. Just ask ur mom and dad

   My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

   wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they'd wonder, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   refuses to get his pizza from Pappa Johns anymore after finding out what he did to Mackenzie Phllips

   at the Video Music Awards on her mobile ...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111... ...FOR F*** SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

   went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the...