Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   divorcing her liver and requesting alimony.

   To boost sales,I think fast food chains should add an adult toy to there value menu.

   loves knowing she isnt the only one facebooking it up all alone when the rest of the world is cuddling it up.

   I am fixing to pull out your voodoo doll. I suggest you brace yourself...

   I was driving home the other day and saw the most beautiful rainbow, and then I had the disturbing thought, that gay people use this symbol to recognize each other. I think that is Ghey...

   knows whats the diference between a wife and a girlfriend..? Its about $200.

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   getting sick of following his dreams, so he's gonna find out where they are going and catch up to them later.

   98.23% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

   imagining a world with no hypothetical situations.

   n't letting people drive him crazy when he knows its within walking distance.

   ....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.

   ...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.

   Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!