Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was born in the state of confusion and is living in denial.

   the first 100 years of marriage are the hardest

   I'm not perfect but parts of me are excellant!

   says "If Heat Rises, Surely Heaven is Hotter Than Hell"

   was considering an all-vegetarian diet but it turns out you are not allowed to hunt vegetarians

   If you can read this, you need to stop stalking me on facebook

   ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   knew she was nuts when squirrels started looking at her funny!

   doesn't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it!

   just had my vision checked. My hindsight was 20/20. My foresight is legally blind

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music

   STOP TRYING TO TALK LIKE LIL WAYNE AND DRAKE RAP!!!! Youre all just making yourselves sound like illiterate retards. Youre not Lil wayne and your not Drake, so why dont you do what Drake says and DO YOU!!!!

   Thank you Gym for being like my Grandmother...Always there for me, even though I only visit you twice a year.

   once visited the Virgin Islands ... They are now called the Islands

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   with all due repect, its hard to believe in god when certain people have yet to be disentigrated by bolts of lightning

   give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, give a man a religeon, he'll starve to death praying for a fish

   thinks Falcon needs to have his dose of Ritilin increased.

   ...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.