Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal...and you wonder why they attack you.

   You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

   Midgets smell different things in crowded elevators.

   would like to inform facebook that it FAILS at "Change". 0bama could use the same advice too.

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   giving my liver a pat on the back for holding up this weekend

   gearing up for hot tub season!

   The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!

   If there is anything worse than seeing a beautiful woman with a dog picking up dog s*%t ,Its seeing a beautiful woman without a dog picking up dog s%|t

   if facebook was an actual book we could call ourselves intellectuals...

   When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers

   doesn't believe we put a man on the moon.

   you know you're small when your application to be a porn star in China gets rejected

   on my way to Oz on the yellow brick road but overshot it by 150 miles- I was having an argument with myself, I was not asleep, got here OK, hanging with Glenda.

   don't let the mornings get you down, sleep till noon!

   wondering just how exactly do you meet the girls from the single-ladies commercials?! theyre hot!

   typIng 1IkE thI5 w0U1d drIvE mE f*ckIng crAzy!

   The other day Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church. Some, however, are questioning whether Obama deserved it.

   If woman are not suppose to cook then why did god naturally put milk and eggs in your body?