Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says my Karma just ran over my Dogma!

   has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   says "If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie."

   ~ Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.

   's laugh is so contagious they created a vaccine for it

   wishes people would wear pants correctly!

   does't care what anybody says, there is just something fundamentally awesome about sporks

   trying to put m&m's in alphabetical order...This could take a while...

   Helen Keller once said "Gahhgrrr berkic dahhh errr waa waa!".... It's as true today as it has ever been

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos

   Round-trip airfare from San Diego to Minneapolis - $335; checking a suitcase - $25; Dr. Pepper & Peanuts - $6.50; WiFi - now free; Checking your Facebook page and over-shooting the airport by 150 miles instead of landing the jet airliner - JOBLESS !!!

   no more Farmville, Cafeworld or Sorority Life! I will cage your animals, spray your crops, burn your cafe and pimp your sorority girl!!!

   has just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.

   one million dollars away from being a millionaire

   I think it's suiting for the letter 'y' to be at the end of the word of each day, it makes you question your days a little. Like why does round pizza come in a square box or why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp?

   loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.

   would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day.

   How does a lesbian hold her liquor? By the ears.

   currently starring in your "Live Feed" ... you may also remember her from past sites such as "News Feed" or your original "Home Page".

   trying to figure out a way to text 'off' to my alarm so I don't have to get up.