Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wanna go halves on a baby?

   Do you know what it feels like when you have to pee really bad? Well in that case feel this, I'm not totally sure I do...

   Caution: Was produced on machines that also process nuts

   If you ain't never been to the Suburbs; Don't ever come to the Suburbs.... 'Cause you wouldn't understand the Suburbs... So stay the F@#% out of the Suburbs!!!

   ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about

   reading chicken soup for the chicken's soul

   Hiding from the sun again

   flossing her sweet tooth with twizlers!

   glad she has pajamas with pockets. Now she doesn't have to hold things while she sleeps.

   (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Hot!!

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   "A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on :)

   *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶

   We have now reached that time of year when we look at the clock and say, OMG it is only 8 oclock????

   accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who told me he was NOT happy. I said, "which one are you then?"

   Any negative people today will be greeted with a high five and a swift ball kick.

   ryan howard is the only other person who struck out more than I did this weekend..

   you know its going to be a bad day when you get out of bad and you miss the floor..

   thinks the universe is a waste of space..