Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   nobody. NOBODY is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. So there. Logic and reasoning win again.

   After much thought and careful consideration, I have come up with a solution to Afghanistan. Instead of sending 40,000 more troops, let's send 40,000 bears.They will naturally migrate to the caves and eat the terrorists hiding out there.Problem Solved!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.

   contemplating the beauty of the earth and finding reserves of strength, despite the knowledge that Humans are stupid creatures.

   so adjective, she verbs nouns

   just passed a Liopleurodon on her way to Candy Mountain.

   hosting a seminar with noted Theoretical Physicist, Stephen Hawking. The subject of the seminar is TIME TRAVEL with emphasis on theorems regarding singularities in the framework of general relativity. Please RSVP. Our first meeting will be last week.

   in a relationship with Maxwell House. It's complicated.

   letting everyone know in advance that I want something shiny that will go from 0 to 120 in 3 seconds for Christmas... and bathroom scales WILL NOT be accepted.

   would be unstoppable if she could just get started.

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. I want a fantastic right now! :D

   says Real Men of Genius....Today we salute you, Mr. Compulsive Status Update Checker.

   The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and, consequently, I will never be ending an important email with the phrase "Regards" again.

   had big dreams as a little kid... now they're HUGE!!! :)

   There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

   that we need to stop the insanity by not drinking more of that hatorade!