Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates when people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

   hates people who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

   hates when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

   having an I will never drink again moment!

   wondering if he's the only one who thinks the lady who got attacked by a chimp and showed her face on Oprah looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle

   flying without wings... after discovering beans and onion together~

   I'll tell you something about Lapinski. When she gets a gas bill, she writes all over it with a thick black felt tip, THIS DOES NOT EXIST, and sends it to the gas board

   Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius

   make love, not babies.

   THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING EARTH ON FRIDAY. THEIR PLAN IS TO KIDNAP ALL THE BEAUTIFUL & SEXY PEOPLE.. DONT WORRY, YOU'RE SAFE... I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE, PLEASE CHECK IN ON MY MOTHER IN LAW EVERY NOW AND THEN

   If you add me as your friend and I ignore you.....Do move on it's just facebook. Don't change your name and profile picture and add me again! The request will still be ignored! I still know it's you!

   I got my free meal from Applebee's today, it was good to see fellows Vets of all ages getting it in. Although I swear some of them old guys look like the may hay survived the war of 1812 I'm glad we enjoyed it together. Now who's pouring free DRINKS for u

   what's the difference between 'Live Feed' and 'News Feed?' Isn't all the news supposed to be Live!!!

   -If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

   you can have a warm glass of shut the hell up, now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep....your in my world now grandma!!

   going to The Regal Beagle tonight with Janet and Chrissy. Larry will meet us later. When we get together, shenanigans will soon follow.

   Single and ready for Rumble!

   to work because the kids need new leg irons.

   Wonders who the first idiot was that tried out a Shark proof suit?

   On Saturday night the House narrowly passed the healthcare bill. They say the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But she hasn't blinked since what, 1982?