Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   filled with corn syrup, artificial ingredients and regret

   thinks running around a field whilst waving a metal pole in the air is way more exciting when lightning is involved

   : Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   loves it when his wife butters his toast.

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat...

   wishes he was in Tijuana, eating BBQ'd iguana.

   It's Friday 13th. I think I'm going to break a mirror, walk under a ladder, let a black cat walk past me, open an umbrella indoors, spill some salt, wear a hat to bed, step on a crack in the sidewalk.... then call somebody I hate and see if she wants to

   I got 2 chickens to paralyze. Thanks Eddy Money for getthing that song into my head this morning. On a side note, I'm getting hungry for KFC.

   thinks there should be some kind of test for babies in the delivery room; and if they're going to grow up stupid they should be neutered immediately.

   just doesn't get it. I go through the drive thru at BK and I hand the kid my credit card. He asks me if it's an American Express... He had my card in his hand; what do you suppose he thought the orange and yellow Mastercard logo was?

   Black cats, ladders, broken mirrors, guys named Jason. I hate Friday the 13th.

   A blind Indian girl wanted me to touch her clothes to see how soft they were. I felt sari for her.

   ..is stealing everyone's watches and changing all the clocks at work. "What? 5 o'clock already? See ya!".

   Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

   Erin Culbertson Did you know that a woman has 3 knees and a man has 4 knees? A woman has a left knee, a right knee, and a hiney. A man has a left knee, a right knee, a hiney, and a weenie.

   if you notice this notice, then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   out like janet jackson's right nipple! g'nite! =)

   wondering why noses run and feet smell?

   the only break in life you get is when you die. Live life to the fullest. Be who you are and let these mortals know who you are, They will never forget you.

   your "sofa king we todd did"