Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend... Dogs are a mans best friend... Now, who's the smarter sex?

   Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary.

   The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people every day.

   dropped his glasses in the toilet. As a result, he now has a crappy outlook on life.

   If your relationship status says, "It's complicated", you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "single"

   i realized I really dont have to watch games, movie award shows, music award shows or anything else to that effect anymore... all I have to do is come on facebook and I have a detailed play by play of every minute of it right on my news feed!!!!

   on the air go ahead caller

   Up-Up, Down-Down, Left-Right, Left-Right, B-A, START.

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   police are investigating the 7 winners of last weeks euro lottery syndicate, they dont believe that 7 people from liverpool actually had a job!!!

   at the ATM the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her

   In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide!! " linkin Park - New Divide"

   The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

   I want to do something different tonight so am thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!! hehehe

   Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity!!!

   My friend has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   drank some Chinese beer, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   has a camera, a wire coathanger and some baby oil and is bored so might try doing a colonoscopy on himself